This Week in Spam – Russian Women

Maybe I should know better than to Russian to things.

Welcome back to PopularOpinions’ popular (and opinionated) returning segment This Week in Spam where we look at some of the most puzzlingly wonderful bizarre emails the internet has to offer.

Just think, what if you could just, just blink yourself away seven years ago we didn’t have Facebook, MySpace, YouTube, Twitter or Mountain Dew Code Red. As a result, social networking consisted solely of being social and networking with others. One would have to go out there, meet people, hope for the best, prepare for the worst and expect the unexpected. That, OR you could just put a personal ad in the paper. Why would you do that? Well, you want to make things as easy as possible, allowing someone else to be the aggressor. The ultimate goal of being a real American is fightin’ for the rights of every man being able to do as absolute little as possible and still get everything you could ever want or need.

But now it’s the year 2010, you can say what you want and people can say what they want to you, including being the most Proctor and Gamble of Pimps by sending you the most middling of middle-man mistress massage messages. Imagine my surprise last April when, while chatting up a hottie boombalottie via Skype, I got the following message blown up across my screen –

[4/15/10 3:36:01 PM] dreamsy2010: European and American women are too arrogant for you? Are you looking for a sweet lady that will be caring and understanding? Then you came to the right place- here you can find a Russian lady that will love you with all her heart. Can’t find a queen to rule your heart? How about beautiful Russian ladies that have royal blood and royal look? Here you can find hundreds of portfolios of these fine women of any age for every taste. Please excuse us if you are not interested.

Beautiful Russian ladies – (Russian Lady Website)

Not only was the prophet dreamsy2010 aware that the Gyno-American I was speaking to was of both Europeoan and American dissent, but he/she was able to pick up that my Arrogance-Tolerance level was about to peak and it was time for heads to get thrown. I recall former MTV Jams Countdown host Tyrese endorsing “sweet ladies” in the late 90s, and now he’s in those loud Transformers movies so maybe there’s something to them. Hmmm…

But suddenly the message becomes an existential question. I “came to the right place?” No good sir/madam, I merely attempted to speak face-to-face nose-to-nose cheek-to-cheek butt-to-butt everybody-bust-a-nut over the internet with someone. I went nowhere, rather it was the promise of Russian ladies that came to me. But where am I? Planet Earth? Why yes, I feel I did arrive on the right planet as Mercury is waaaaaay too hot, Jupiter can’t sustain life and Neptune is for friggin’ weirdos. Earth (or Urth, for you Primal Rage fans) is home to the human race, a Venn Diagram that encompasses BOTH Russians AND Woman. What fortune!

I’m going to ignore the Queen line because it reads slightly homophobic/racist/Diablo Cody and jump right into how beautiful Russian ladies have the “Royal Blood and the Royal Look.” By using an implication of the monarchy, this means the women in question were CHOSEN by GOD to be PRETTY! All the glamour of the gospels necessary to make sure my family is well adjusted enough to be confident that we are absolutely better than any and everyone else so saith the Lord.

Royal Russian Erotica (circa 1995)

And there are HUNDREDS! Yeah, let’s forget about adrenaline-pumping shark tank known as the dating pool so Xzibit can pull up on my desktop and let me star in an episode of “Pimp My Russian.” I’ll let him know what I want and he’ll find one of appropriate age for my tastes. That is, of course, if I am interested. This isn’t Dreamsy2010’s first rodeo and he/she knows this blatant intruding might seem like an intrusion. A pre-emptive apology I will gladly accept as we’re talking about a proclamation of HUNDREDS of QUEENS here! Awesome.

We give Russian Women a Four Out of Five

So until next time…let’s agree to agree!

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Tags: catchphrase, dating, email, from russia with like as in like like, gyno-americans, hammer and sickle and love and marriage, hot mamas, ladies, russia, russian women, sexual intercourse, SPAM

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