Archive for the ‘This Week in SPAM’ category

This Week in Spam – Russian Women

July 2, 2010

Maybe I should know better than to Russian to things.

Welcome back to PopularOpinions’ popular (and opinionated) returning segment This Week in Spam where we look at some of the most puzzlingly wonderful bizarre emails the internet has to offer.

Just think, what if you could just, just blink yourself away seven years ago we didn’t have Facebook, MySpace, YouTube, Twitter or Mountain Dew Code Red. As a result, social networking consisted solely of being social and networking with others. One would have to go out there, meet people, hope for the best, prepare for the worst and expect the unexpected. That, OR you could just put a personal ad in the paper. Why would you do that? Well, you want to make things as easy as possible, allowing someone else to be the aggressor. The ultimate goal of being a real American is fightin’ for the rights of every man being able to do as absolute little as possible and still get everything you could ever want or need.

But now it’s the year 2010, you can say what you want and people can say what they want to you, including being the most Proctor and Gamble of Pimps by sending you the most middling of middle-man mistress massage messages. Imagine my surprise last April when, while chatting up a hottie boombalottie via Skype, I got the following message blown up across my screen –

[4/15/10 3:36:01 PM] dreamsy2010: European and American women are too arrogant for you? Are you looking for a sweet lady that will be caring and understanding? Then you came to the right place- here you can find a Russian lady that will love you with all her heart. Can’t find a queen to rule your heart? How about beautiful Russian ladies that have royal blood and royal look? Here you can find hundreds of portfolios of these fine women of any age for every taste. Please excuse us if you are not interested.

Beautiful Russian ladies – (Russian Lady Website)

Not only was the prophet dreamsy2010 aware that the Gyno-American I was speaking to was of both Europeoan and American dissent, but he/she was able to pick up that my Arrogance-Tolerance level was about to peak and it was time for heads to get thrown. I recall former MTV Jams Countdown host Tyrese endorsing “sweet ladies” in the late 90s, and now he’s in those loud Transformers movies so maybe there’s something to them. Hmmm…

But suddenly the message becomes an existential question. I “came to the right place?” No good sir/madam, I merely attempted to speak face-to-face nose-to-nose cheek-to-cheek butt-to-butt everybody-bust-a-nut over the internet with someone. I went nowhere, rather it was the promise of Russian ladies that came to me. But where am I? Planet Earth? Why yes, I feel I did arrive on the right planet as Mercury is waaaaaay too hot, Jupiter can’t sustain life and Neptune is for friggin’ weirdos. Earth (or Urth, for you Primal Rage fans) is home to the human race, a Venn Diagram that encompasses BOTH Russians AND Woman. What fortune!

I’m going to ignore the Queen line because it reads slightly homophobic/racist/Diablo Cody and jump right into how beautiful Russian ladies have the “Royal Blood and the Royal Look.” By using an implication of the monarchy, this means the women in question were CHOSEN by GOD to be PRETTY! All the glamour of the gospels necessary to make sure my family is well adjusted enough to be confident that we are absolutely better than any and everyone else so saith the Lord.

Royal Russian Erotica (circa 1995)

And there are HUNDREDS! Yeah, let’s forget about adrenaline-pumping shark tank known as the dating pool so Xzibit can pull up on my desktop and let me star in an episode of “Pimp My Russian.” I’ll let him know what I want and he’ll find one of appropriate age for my tastes. That is, of course, if I am interested. This isn’t Dreamsy2010’s first rodeo and he/she knows this blatant intruding might seem like an intrusion. A pre-emptive apology I will gladly accept as we’re talking about a proclamation of HUNDREDS of QUEENS here! Awesome.

We give Russian Women a Four Out of Five

So until next time…let’s agree to agree!

THIS WEEK IN SPAM – The Best Email I’ve Ever Received

March 24, 2010

Me in Punkier, Rockier times. (2002)

Ahh yes, youth. I remember, when I was younger, the best part about being a youngster was how young I was. Among the many things I did when I was chronologically at a more comfortable distance from the apocalypse was front a local punk band*. At the tender age of 16, and the even more tender age of 15, I had the time to really focus all my energy on getting us as known as possible both in Minneapolis and the surrounding world. There aren’t a whole lot of places you can perform when you, for all intensive purposes, aren’t old enough to go anywhere, so I had to get creative and use every outlet possible. After getting an album in all the local stores, I tried to stay as in-tune with everything happening in the scene as possible, so I signed up for the Minnesota Music Directory (MMD). A local music almanac of sorts, this listing allowed us** to make a lot of great connections, get booked at better venues on better bills and just stay active.

When my Senior Year of High School rolled around in 2003/2004 I decided to put said punk rock venture on permanent temporary hiatus and went back to focusing on my first love – rapping. I was getting into full blown “I’m that kid at high school who raps and knows all about rap music” mode. Rapping all day at school and writing rhymes all night, I was putting the finishing touches on my parking lot platinum CD-R The Brown Bunny when I decided to give the MMD another shot, this time as a solo Hip-Hop artist. It seemed like the next logical step and I looked forward to similar results. I was wrong. I’m talking K-Solo attempting to spell the word “bird” wrong.

My, My, Directory!

While being listed as a Punk Rock outfit gets you offers of great studio treatment, better gigs and plenty of cool interactions, your listing as a solo rap artist results in your email flooded daily by every pre-teen in the Twin Cities swearing up and down that they’re the next “lyrical (noun) about to blow up.” I honestly don’t recall getting a single email from someone who wasn’t an aspiring rap artist***.

Imagine this, but in rap form.

However, this one year of annoyance was worth it if only for the 1K message you are about to read. Arriving in my inbox with nothing but the mysterious title Young Rappers, I opened it up to discover one of the lost literary classics of the modern era. I’ve only recently rediscovered it through navigating my way through old emails and now have the ability to share the magic and wonder of Young Rappers with the rest of the world.

It is with the utmost joy that I present to you, Young Rappers.
Please enjoy it in its full unedited**** glory:

—– Original Message —–
From (name of pre-existing famous rapper) (***************@aol.com)
Date Thu, 10 Nov 2005 00:29:28 -0600
To Chaz Kangas (******@nyu.edu)
Subject Young Rappers

Can u hook us up or sumthin’? we only 13 – 14 & we got a mean flo + we B
Killin’ tha Rap Battelz!

Dis Ya boi, (name of pre-existing famous rapper) : herez somthin’ I wrote in like 6 minutes, jus 4
fun, :

I b hustlin’ all day & night
so b4 u try & stick me up u, betta think twice!
Cuz I got somethin’ chunky & it’ll leave u cold az ice
Gurlz,got a lot, dough, im gettin’ plenty
(expletive deleted) man I’m eatin’ to much & im still skinny!
& im still hungry so itz time to gimme’ mine
so if a (expletive deleted) try 2 hate ima lay him down w/tha 9!
Yea I started hustlin’ at a young age
but (expletive deleted) I cant help it if I luv gettin’ paid
& jus 2 make sure we on da same page
I’ma put tha shotti 2 ya body, then im blowin’ out ya rib cage!
make sure u strapped b4 u step 2 me, If not i’ll have yo (expletive deleted)
flee’in tha country like a refugee!
I carry big gunz!
& if that (expletive deleted) u sold me wasn’t sticky, then im commin’ back 4 a refund! &
act like u aint gon’ gimme’ dat,
& my steal will crack ya back as if we waz at a lobsta shack!
But (expletive deleted) got it twisted like: shorty not a thug, but shorty
dont play he quick 2 hit chu’ wit a slugg!
Yo, im on tha block w/tha purp, puttin’ money into my
account & I aint old enough 2 work!
Cuz i b on tha grind! me & my whole team, we quick 2 sell u
a rock bigga than R.Kelly’z earing!
My product hott so I kno u want it!
U can catch me on tha block in a tall tee w/tha sticka on it!
but if I put that heata 2 yo head them bulletz hoppin’ out tha
mutha (expletive deleted) toasta like wonder bread.
I move like a gangsta move, so i’ma stay countin’ paper until tha day tha
my thumbz iz bruized!
But listen!… I aint hear just to rap, im commin’ w/sum hot
(expletive deleted) that’ll bring tupac & biggie back!
U got gunz? well im bangin’ mine! Im on tha block plus I rap & im goin’ 2
skool at tha same time!
But az im gettin’ olda tha streetz iz gettin’ colda!
that y I dont move rock, im 2 bizzy movin’ bouldaz!
So wen tha fedz finally cum & kick in tha door &
catch me ova tha stove! U kno im bangin’ tha 4
Headin’ out tha back door!
Im tryna get ova a mill out a deal, cuz if not then im back on
tha block sellin’ pillz!
But if a (expletive deleted) try 2 take my life man, I’ma stop him in hiz trackz & clap
back until tha “gat” jam!

we got mo of dat & we only been writin’ for 3 dayz now (itz nothin’),
so if u feelin’ it,den…Jus Holla! (& dont hav nobody bytin’ or stealin’
my rymez!) Also we got guyz who can sing/flo 2! so…itz wateva! Holla!

—–End of Message —–

Wow. Now, luckily, the internet didn’t allow me to email every rapper in the Twin Cities when I was 11-13 because I may have done something vaguely similar. However, if you have the ability to do this, you undoubtably should have been able to Google your own rap name to make sure that nobody, particularly an artist signed to Death Row Records that appeared on two of the most well known rap albums of all time, has already called dibs on your rap name. We all made mistakes in our youth and we still make them today, especially in rap where recording errors sometimes result in classic songs. so I’m not going to dig into this spam too hard. It may not have been their intention, but five years later this one electronic mail has brought me more joy than most of my Hip-Hop correspondences combined. Children are our future. Chaz luh da kids.

We Give Young Rappers a Five Out of Five.

Until next time…let’s agree to agree!

*And by “band” I mean “me and my Casio.”

**And by “us” I mean “me and my Casio.”

***And by “aspiring” I mean “attempting and not succeeding.”

****And by “unedited” I mean “I took out their names, email and foul language.”

THIS WEEK IN SPAM – “MR. POSTMAN”

February 8, 2010

Hey Mr. Post-Modern!

As you’ve probably noticed, I’m an MC or “rapper.” Being a rapper, I do rap things such as rhyme over a beat, keep rhythm, move the crowd, cold rock a party etc. However, there are plenty of rap things I don’t do such as watch the movie Scarface every weekend, wear clothing covered with images from the movie Scarface, take a time machine to a 1998 Sam Goody location and purchase every single one of their posters from the movie Scarface, etc. These differences are slight and while they don’t define me or those that do, I bring them up cause who I’m talkin’ about y’all, is Hip-Hop to make the point that we are aware certain practices are prevalent but some of us just don’t do them.

That ain't me, babe.

Case in point – internet spamming. While some are super fearful of Jay-Z’s rumored illuminati ties, non-reptilian rappers have proven time and time again that they can be just as dangerous annoying on their own. Look at how it took a nation of nobodies to ruin MySpace. Scary, eh? While the internet is a necessary and awesome evil that we have to use in order to keep the wheels on our career-mobile rollin’, I think the blog/Facebook event with one or two reminders/email list/Twitter sequence or any combination thereof is sufficient. But even then, they should be practiced with extreme moderation. I keep two* active email addresses, one for my personal life and one for the rap world that I give out on those ‘please sign my spam list’ or ‘let’s collaborate’ opportunities. I really don’t mind when they hit the latter, as that’s the reason I set-up that account, but believe my surprise when THIS ended up in the former. NOTE: This is a complete copy-pasta exactly how it appeared in my electronic mail box:

Rai Knight – Mr. Postman – (feat. Oseeola)

Free MP3
In our lives, there are times, where what we want to say are just to hard to say. Mostly, we find those times when we are deeply in love and fear that are sentiments are not shared, sometimes it is much easier to put it on paper! Soldiers overseas, their spouses, in many cases, can only communicate via letter and with love there are never enough words to say how you truly feel, but to say some

thing is better than saying nothing.

In “Mr. Postman” Rai Knight and Oseeola take the opportunity to thank whatever medium which allows itself to be the carrier of “I love you”; facebook, twitter, or mail. The story is simple, sometimes we just all to need to know how much we are cared for. Simply, just say it!

Wow. My initial reaction was along the lines of “how the H*ll did this get sent out to presumably thousands of emails, most likely from a paid email blast company, without some semblance of a spell check?” I closed the email, took a shower, played some Rock Band, microwaved some leftover Taco Bell** and couldn’t shake that text out of my head. As someone who reads dozen of press releases a day and writes tens of them a year, how on Urth did that get green-lit?

Eventually my curiosity got the better of me and I began googling every person in the email, each name pointed back to the same “release” until I stumbled on the first site that featured it right here:

http://imflashy.com/2010/02/03/rai-knight-ft-oseeola-mr-postman/

What the H*ll is this? The fluxuating-minimalist production, absurd stream-of-conscious lyrics (“I would be your Huckleberry / I would be your Merrie Melody too”) and genuine weirdness is only emphasized by how professional it sounds. I can’t tell if I like the song or not, but it is an oddly effective snapshot of modern internet-based flirtation. The “PS” at the end of the second verse gives the whole song a weird full-circle vibe, as if it’s the Bratz doll b-side to the spectacular Google Super Bowl ad.

It took six listens for me to realize how much more effective and memorable this atrocious press release was than a forgettable passable one. I’ve given this song that I can’t even determine my opinion on (that is starting to grow on me) from someone I’ve never heard before a much more intent listen than anything else in quite some time. Rai Knight, I raise my glass to you. Thank you for giving me a lemon that I’ve turned into a Tim O’Brien Lemon Tree.

We give this SPAM a Five Out of Five

Until next time…Let’s Agree to Agree!

*RE: OK, five. I have five email accounts. You happy?

**When I refer to “livin’ the life,” I usually mean this.