Posted tagged ‘religion’

Things I Reference All the Time – Volume 1

May 6, 2010

Do you understand the words that are coming out of my blog?

Oh, Hi Readers. Over the 23-and-a-half years I’ve been on this planet* I’ve come to discover that I like certain funny things to the point of repeating them whenever possible. This has allowed me to stretch the amount of laughs in one sitting to absolute capacity. Sometimes** I’ll make a reference that will go over the heads of everybody in the room, leaving me alone on stage mid-battle staring at the crowd as if to say “No trust me, this gentlemen I’m disrespecting looks JUST LIKE that unflattering celebrity I’ve compared him to.” So, in the interest of you getting maximum enjoyment out of this site and me in general, here’s five things I reference all the time.

Hamburger!

Alonzo “Hamburger” Jones was introduced to me last August by the homegirl Marni and my life has never been the same. Where to begin? His entire “act” is a serious of jokes bridged together by the word “hamburger.” No rhyme or reason to his train of thought, just jokes randomly bridged together by the word “hamburger.” Research tells me he’s on the Christian Comedy circuit and uses “hamburger” in place of other comedians’ cuss words. I can respect withholding the swears for whatever the reason, but how can one be a CHRISTIAN INSULT COMIC? He’s also wearing a vest and cowboy hat that he never once makes reference to. Hamburger.

HEY, YOU LIKED ‘CARNOSAUR!’

Siskel and Ebert have always been heroes of mine, and The Critic was one of the first television shows I really became a fan of. Their guest appearance is one of the series’ highlights, and since age 8 their summoning of movies they can’t believe the other liked acted as my step-by-step guide to arguing***. Girlfriend upset with you for forgetting her birthday? Roommate angry you ate all his Funyuns? Just turn to them and yell “HEY, YOU LIKED CARNOSAUR!” Argument won.

Oh, Hi (your name)

For the five of you out there not familiar with The Room, it’s a motion picture that fires its awfulness engine on all cylinders. A running “joke,” that nobody involved in the film in any way shape or form is in on, is how just about every entrance of a character on screen is met with “Oh, Hi Mark” or any variant thereof. This has become the absolute only way I greet people. I suggest you do the same.

People Come Up to me and they say “Paul?” And I say “What?” And they say…

Dear Starchild is one of my favorite YouTube series. Pat Francis’ hilarious impression of Paul Stanley from KISS has always been an enjoyable part of the ‘Never Not Funny’ Pardcast. When he moved it to YouTube as an advice column, well, let’s just say it was awesome. The opening “…and I say ‘what’…” bit has been summoned countless times on this site. That’s just how I put the ‘X’ in ‘Sex.’

WE’RE LIVIN WE’RE LIVIN WE’RE LIVIN IN EXTREME DAYS!

As the old adage goes “All good things must come to an end involving Christian Rap-Rock.” TobyMac, one-third of rap-rock pioneers DC Talk, has always been ahead aware of the curve. If you’ve ever seen the Gospel Music Channel documentary on the man, you would know he takes full credit for the idea to put singing in the middle of verses on rap songs****. By picking up the aged white Christian rap torch where Carman left off, the TobyMac debuted as the rapper on “Jesus Freak” before breaking solo eventually leading to the TobyMacsterpiece “Extreme Days.” A paint-by-numbers late 90s nu-metal jumpoff from the excess usage of the word “Extreme” to the melodic “deep” part in the middle***** to the acting scene in the middle describing the artist as dangerous and pursued by bad actors the government, it’s some sort of awful perfection. Next time you go to a party, just jump in the room and scream “COMIN AT ‘CHA LIKE A WHIRLWIND!” You may have heard this song in the post-apocalyptic XBox360 game Crackdown where, when you steal a car from futuristic cyborg thugz, it’s the first song that plays.

Scene from 'Avatar' (2009)

So until next time… let’s agree to agree!

*EARTH, which is NUMBER ONE! SUCK IT NEPTUNE!

**And by “sometimes” I mean “just about every time.”

***Meaning if you and I are on an airplane, I will probably have an outburst debating with you over the merits of this.

****Seriously. He really said this. Must be part of that “school of Hip-Hop 1979” where “Sugar Hill had the skill” that taught him to steal rhyme.

*****HE WAS ONLY E-LEV-EN!

Advertisements

South Park vs. Militant Islamic Radicals & One Angry Red-Headed Kid

April 23, 2010

I spy with my little eye something that is BLASPHEMOUS!

This week saw the airing of “South Park’s” 201st episode, the aptly named “201.” In it, celebrities and Gingers collided over possession of the Muslim prophet Mohammad who both sides believed solely possessed the ability to “never get made fun of ever.” It was a poignant episode that lived up to the hype of the series, now in its fourteenth season, reaching such a momentous milestone. It was not without controversy as, not unlike the last time creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker (Peace be Upon Them) flirted with broadcasting an image of Mohammad (seen as the highest level of blasphemy in certain Islamic circles, punishable by death), there was an overlying fear at the show’s home Comedy Central that death threats would be made. Little did they know that they would incur the wrath of not only Militant Muslims but a Rigorously Rowdy Redhead.

The Islam-centric threats came from the New York-based website RevolutionIslam. I’d like to quote their official statement that mentioned previous artists murdered for depicting Mohammad in the past and specific directions as to how to get to the creators’ (Peace Be Upon Them) homes, but I can’t as their website has since been hacked in the absolute most hilarious of ways. Minor as it may seem, the threat was enough to intimidate the network itself, resulting in every instance of the word “Mohammad” used in the episode being bleeped out, and a large black censor-bar completely obscuring the prophet for the entire half-hour duration. The network went one step further as to pull the episode out of its scheduled rerun slots, as well as made it, as well as every other episode that so much as mentioned the prophet (!), unavailable to stream on both Netflix and the show’s website.

One of these things is not like the others...

Is Comedy Central overreacting? Perhaps.* Without getting into “we can’t let the terrorists win” rhetoric, I have to echo the sentiment of the show’s original “Cartoon Wars” two-parter from 2006 where, addressing the Danish Mohammad cartoon fiasco, declared that in the eyes of parody “either everything’s OK or nothing is OK.” It’s a slippery slope and, seeing as every other religion has been blasphemed to some degree, sets a dangerous precedent. Stone and Parker (Peace Be Upon Them) responded yesterday morning with this message on the show’s official website:

In the 14 years we’ve been doing South Park we have never done a show that we couldn’t stand behind. We delivered our version of the show to Comedy Central and they made a determination to alter the episode. It wasn’t some meta-joke on our part. Comedy Central added the bleeps. In fact, Kyle’s customary final speech was about intimidation and fear. It didn’t mention Muhammad at all but it got bleeped too. We’ll be back next week with a whole new show about something completely different and we’ll see what happens to it.

Also angry with Stone and Parker (Peace Be Upon Them) is a red-headed Youtube “personality” named CopperCab. You’ve probably seen his original outrage video from a few months ago venting his frustration with the show’s treatment of “Gingers,” people born with red hair, pale skin and freckles:

Which became such a phenomenon that the boys (Peace Be Upon Them) aired a clip of Cartman recreating the video as a commercial for the show’s season premiere:

Of course Coppercab saw the clip and, channeling the spirit of Mick Foley, came back with this:

Personally, I find the idea of one of the biggest franchises in cable-television history targeting an obscure 18-year-old boy for something he said on the internet to be hilarious. Coppercab seems non-plused by the entire thing and, following the implicating of Gingers in the last episode, came back with this:

Folks, if you’re like me, you can’t stop watching those opening three seconds. Incredible. I’d make the kid one of my favorite nutzoids, but I’m not convinced his sheer insanity has peaked yet. Could the Gingers and Radical Islam perhaps be in cahoots? Is this a multi-national conspiracy to get “South Park” removed once and for all? How will Matt and Trey (Peace Be Upon Them) respond on Wednesday? Now that we finally know Cartman’s father, it looks like every truth will be coming forward soon.

So until next time…let’s agree to agree!

UPDATE CUPCAKE: As of 3:15 PM ET on April 23rd 2010 AD, London has REFUSED to air episode “201.” More on this as it develops.

*And by “perhaps” I mean “yes.”