Posted tagged ‘paul stanley’

Things I Reference All the Time – Volume 1

May 6, 2010

Do you understand the words that are coming out of my blog?

Oh, Hi Readers. Over the 23-and-a-half years I’ve been on this planet* I’ve come to discover that I like certain funny things to the point of repeating them whenever possible. This has allowed me to stretch the amount of laughs in one sitting to absolute capacity. Sometimes** I’ll make a reference that will go over the heads of everybody in the room, leaving me alone on stage mid-battle staring at the crowd as if to say “No trust me, this gentlemen I’m disrespecting looks JUST LIKE that unflattering celebrity I’ve compared him to.” So, in the interest of you getting maximum enjoyment out of this site and me in general, here’s five things I reference all the time.

Hamburger!

Alonzo “Hamburger” Jones was introduced to me last August by the homegirl Marni and my life has never been the same. Where to begin? His entire “act” is a serious of jokes bridged together by the word “hamburger.” No rhyme or reason to his train of thought, just jokes randomly bridged together by the word “hamburger.” Research tells me he’s on the Christian Comedy circuit and uses “hamburger” in place of other comedians’ cuss words. I can respect withholding the swears for whatever the reason, but how can one be a CHRISTIAN INSULT COMIC? He’s also wearing a vest and cowboy hat that he never once makes reference to. Hamburger.

HEY, YOU LIKED ‘CARNOSAUR!’

Siskel and Ebert have always been heroes of mine, and The Critic was one of the first television shows I really became a fan of. Their guest appearance is one of the series’ highlights, and since age 8 their summoning of movies they can’t believe the other liked acted as my step-by-step guide to arguing***. Girlfriend upset with you for forgetting her birthday? Roommate angry you ate all his Funyuns? Just turn to them and yell “HEY, YOU LIKED CARNOSAUR!” Argument won.

Oh, Hi (your name)

For the five of you out there not familiar with The Room, it’s a motion picture that fires its awfulness engine on all cylinders. A running “joke,” that nobody involved in the film in any way shape or form is in on, is how just about every entrance of a character on screen is met with “Oh, Hi Mark” or any variant thereof. This has become the absolute only way I greet people. I suggest you do the same.

People Come Up to me and they say “Paul?” And I say “What?” And they say…

Dear Starchild is one of my favorite YouTube series. Pat Francis’ hilarious impression of Paul Stanley from KISS has always been an enjoyable part of the ‘Never Not Funny’ Pardcast. When he moved it to YouTube as an advice column, well, let’s just say it was awesome. The opening “…and I say ‘what’…” bit has been summoned countless times on this site. That’s just how I put the ‘X’ in ‘Sex.’

WE’RE LIVIN WE’RE LIVIN WE’RE LIVIN IN EXTREME DAYS!

As the old adage goes “All good things must come to an end involving Christian Rap-Rock.” TobyMac, one-third of rap-rock pioneers DC Talk, has always been ahead aware of the curve. If you’ve ever seen the Gospel Music Channel documentary on the man, you would know he takes full credit for the idea to put singing in the middle of verses on rap songs****. By picking up the aged white Christian rap torch where Carman left off, the TobyMac debuted as the rapper on “Jesus Freak” before breaking solo eventually leading to the TobyMacsterpiece “Extreme Days.” A paint-by-numbers late 90s nu-metal jumpoff from the excess usage of the word “Extreme” to the melodic “deep” part in the middle***** to the acting scene in the middle describing the artist as dangerous and pursued by bad actors the government, it’s some sort of awful perfection. Next time you go to a party, just jump in the room and scream “COMIN AT ‘CHA LIKE A WHIRLWIND!” You may have heard this song in the post-apocalyptic XBox360 game Crackdown where, when you steal a car from futuristic cyborg thugz, it’s the first song that plays.

Scene from 'Avatar' (2009)

So until next time… let’s agree to agree!

*EARTH, which is NUMBER ONE! SUCK IT NEPTUNE!

**And by “sometimes” I mean “just about every time.”

***Meaning if you and I are on an airplane, I will probably have an outburst debating with you over the merits of this.

****Seriously. He really said this. Must be part of that “school of Hip-Hop 1979” where “Sugar Hill had the skill” that taught him to steal rhyme.

*****HE WAS ONLY E-LEV-EN!

The Worst KISS Song of All Time

February 22, 2010

YOU WANTED THE BEST?! YOU GOT...wait, what?

There’s plenty that surprises people about me, but even those closest to me still find it hard to reconcile with my personality that I’m 1) a devout Catholic and 2) both ironically and un-ironically a huge KISS fan. I attribute the latter to their unparalleled live show (which I’ve seen with the original lineup THREE times), setting the standard for artist-and-fan-creating-a-movement marketing and the fact that they seem to be the only group of their genre’s generation to not take themselves so seriously. That was the justification for Halloween ’98 when Chris Rytarchyk, Andrew Zwack, the World Famous Craig Witte* and myself went door-to-door as Kiss to rock and roll all night and eat candy most of the next afternoon.

But the group’s UNINTENTIONAL GREATNESS? Wow-to-the-zers. From their awful “Made”-for-TV sci-fi rock opera KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park to their shamelessly tasteless marketing to feuding KISS tribute bands composed entirely of drunk little people to, and may God have mercy on my soul for inflicting this upon you but, THIS, you would be hard-pressed to find one musical group supplying a more consistent stream of horrified laughter. But for a group so rich in mythology** I still find the most enjoyment from their good ol’ fashion rock ‘n’ roll. Any classic rock station worth its weight in Sausage McMuffins will always play KISS’s standards like “Rock and Roll All Night,” “Detroit Rock City,” “Beth” and maybe even later works like “Lick It Up” and “Psycho Circus.” However, there’s one song they won’t play and with KISSOnline’s promise that the boys in the band have an Earth-Shattering major announcement tomorrow, I have to assume that it’s a formal handwritten apology for this…

Let me give you a moment to freeze the video at 00:46, take a picture and make it your Facebook profile photo out of solidarity with those of us that somehow survive living in a world where this song exists.

Alright, this is an effeminate elephant in the room of pop culture so let’s just address it head-on. What can we say for sure about “Let’s Put the X in Sex?” Well, it was one of two new songs on the band’s third ‘Best of’ compilation Smashes, Thrashes & Hits, it went to #97 on the Billboard Hot 100 and it’s an awful narrative about a private detective who receives sexy messages from someone who reminded him of you that (here’s the twist) turned out to be you. You pervert. If it weren’t for you, the band’s recorded sexual conquests would have been limited to high school girls and the evening they had their genitals plastered. But no, you and your instantly recognizable black lace panties had to toy with Stunt Cher Detective Paul Stanley’s delicate psyche. It wasn’t enough to omnipotently occupy a skyscraper while your Robert Palmer reject-minions march to this Robert Palmer rejected canker sore of an incantation. You even made them release an eight-minute long extended version. How dare you.

So yes, this song is bad and the band knows it. How bad you ask? Well, it’s never reappeared on any of their umpteenth-thousand re-releases and compilations. It’s never acknowledged in any self-released film, book or documentary. To give you some perspective, these middle-aged men in spandex and makeup will sooner reflect on their dismal failure of philosophically-based sci-fi concept album that nearly killed the band than this song. They’ve done what they could to block it out of their mind, so in 1995 when they were surprisingly asked by the rabid KISS Army of Salt Lake City*** to perform the song unplugged, they patronizingly obliged. Once they realized what they were playing, they gave up halfway through but THE KISS ARMY WOULD HAVE NONE OF THESE SHENANIGANS AND WITH THIS ROCK AND ROLL GOD HIMSELF GAVE TO THEM, PROCEEDED TO SHOUT IT OUT LOUD! The band watched bewildered and (coincidentally?) reunited a year later to take over the world again. Yes, this footage exists and it is glorious.

So what could tomorrow’s announcement be? A new tour? A new album? A new reality show? A new retirement****? No matter what the Knights in Satin’s Service say tomorrow, we all know what they’re thinking – “Sorry for putting the ‘X’ in sex.”

So until next time…Let’s Agree to Agree!

*Yes, THE Craig Witte.

**There’s a certain irony somewhere in being rich in something so poorly written, but I’m too busy spitting blood to find it.

***How does one put the X through their special Mormon undergarments?

****I saw their farewell tour twice in 2000, which has somehow rock and rolled over into another decade. Guess they’re not too keen on putting the X in eXit.