Posted tagged ‘awesomeness’

Five Awesome Animal Clips (I Got 5 Honest)

October 7, 2010

ST. FRANCIS IS THAT DUDE!

This week marks the Feast Day of one of my favorite saints – St. Francis of Assisi. When I was a young Charley attending Immaculate Conception School, the Mass in honor of St. Francis was always one of my favorites. For the unfamiliar, St. Francis was a lover of animals, so this was the one day of the school year that all the students could bring their pet to class. This meant not only did I get to finally see and hear critters I had only previously heard rumors about during playground chatter, but I got to kick it with my gerbil homie Spanky (RIP) all day!

So we would bring our pets into Church and the Priest would bless them which hopefully meant that once they inevitably left Earth via death (or cruel space program) we would someday be reunited in Heaven. I’ve always loved most animals (raccoons, dalmatians and blue jays get the gas face) so in observation of his feast day, I give you the following five treasured animal clips.

Puppies Perform “Still” by the Geto Boys (NSFW)

“Back up in yo azz with a red erection!”

Pennywell Piglets

A lot of people like to front on pigs because #1 their religion says so #2 literature and pop culture has associated them with undesirables and #3 bacon is a faceless awesome. These are all understandable, but it’s easy to forget that pigs are incredibly intelligent, curious and warm animals. These Pennywell piglets, considered the smallest in the world, help put these many traits in perspective.

Three Guinea Pigs Fight Over a Cucumber

Yeah, it’s on! What, you didn’t think Guinea Pigs could turn a simple cucumber rationing into an all-out game of Spy vs. Spy vs. Spy?!

Kittens on a Slide

Yeah, you’ve seen this, but here it is again. Loud kitty gets saved. Quiet kitty lets himself fall on his ass. Metaphor for life.

Yorkshire Terriers

My favorite dog and possibly my favorite animal, Yorkshire Terriers can’t help but make my bad days good, my good days great, and my great days over the top. A Yorkie by my feet makes the cypher complete. I catch a lot of flack for liking Yorkies as people think they’re full of energy, loud and happy all the time. Guess what? So am I. Love us or leave us alone.

"So I told the otter, 'No, YOU ought'er!"

BONUS BEAT – My Hamster Story

During my junior year of high school, I was in a production of Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It, as you may have guessed, was a high school production featuring my high school classmates from my high school. My homegirl Dani was in it with me, and we also shared several classes including 8th Period Chemistry. She was having a bad day and being very vocal about it, so I said to her “Dani, if you stop complaining about your day right now, then I’ll buy you a hamster.” Wouldn’t you know it, her face lit up at the prospect and she kept her end of the bargain so in the hour between classes and play practice, I went over to PetSmart and bought her the cutest, purest blond hamster I could find. Did I mention it was feisty? Yes, in under an hour it clawed a hole through its makeshift cardboard transportation box so I had to stop home to grab it an appropriate shoebox. Still, I delivered and she was very happy. For an hour. Until she told her mother and her mother wouldn’t let her keep it. Fate is funny as nobody else could take it home and I felt already attached to my newest, furriest pal. I named her Dr. Pizza Scratchypants. “Scratchypants” came from how she scratched through the cardboard, “Pizza” came from me reading once that the name parents most hate that their kids give their pets is “Pizza” and “Dr.” because she previously attended six years of medical school. I had her for six months until she went to that big habitrail in the sky right around my 17th birthday. Rest in Peace, Doctor.

We give Animals a Five Out of Five

So until next time…let’s agree to agree!

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Chaznecdotes – My Pink Flamingos Story

June 16, 2010

Put this in your front lawn, middle america!

Welcome to a new segment here at Popular Opinions called Chaznecdotes. Yes, this is going to feature Chaz Stories to Tell in the Dark, little nuggets of entertainment from my endlessly fascinating life. Who knows what tremendous adventures and outstanding incidents I’ve witnessed? Well, I do, and you think you know, but you have no idea and abilities to know what I know now when I was younger, you know? Now, without any further Depardu, let’s get to the me!

Last Monday (June 14th, 2010 AD) I had the tremendous fortune to see the reunion show of one of my all time favorite bands, the Toilet Boys. Glam punk at a time when it was most needed, I’ve waited over a decade to see them and they absolutely obliterated the stage. Afterward I spoke with their drummer Electric Eddie who, when I was 15-years-old, actually responded to a fan letter I had written them. On their old world-wide webpage, Eddie said his favorite movie was the John Waters classic Pink Flamingos. It is with that knowledge of shared interests I told him this story that I’m about to tell you…

I’ve always been a huge fan of Director John Waters. He’s second only to Lloyd Kaufman on cinematic admiration list. From an early age I loved how he mixed the cutting edge bourgeois aesthetics of the Andy Warhol/Paul Morrisey/Kenneth Anger films with the genuine blue-collar bizarreness of his Baltimore background. He made such an entertaining cesspool out of everyday life, something I’ve blatantly stolen attempted to replicate in just about everything I’ve written. Back in 8th Grade, when I first got into films, my best friend Matt and I used to attempt to rent the most bizarre out-there movies we could find and share them with whomever we could. At an age where most of my classmates were getting busted for trading Porn videos*, my teachers would angrily apprehend this sole Hollywood Video with an NC-17 rating and then disappointingly return it to us as it contained “nothing any young mind could possibly find erotic.” After months of preaching the Pink Flamingoes gospel throughout that incredibly awkward always fun summer between junior high and high school, imagine my thrill when the clerk at Suncoast told me it was coming to the Minneapolis Uptown theater for a special midnight screening.

It was a clear black night, a clear white moon in September, 2000. Since my Mother is the absolute greatest Mom in the world (source: Guinness) she agreed to take me to the midnight screening as “it would be fun to experience a real midnight movie.” Imagine our surprise when we got there and the line going around the block of the theater was (to use high school terminology) all “jocks and preps?” As it turns out, our local newspaper the Star Tribune had listed that night’s screening to be the original Austin Powers movie. Seeing as us Minnesotans are a go-with-the-flow people, the crowd decided to stick around and take a gamble on this movie that, as far as they know, might not have had the familiar catchphrases they would love to repeat on end for the next decade.

I’d like to stop for a second and let you know this story is about to get gross and is not recommended for pregnant women, small children or small pregnant children who are eating. If you aren’t familiar with exactly what Pink Flamingos contains, and you aren’t at work, give it a Google. It’s pretty out there. Granted Austin Powers is some raunchy, silly fun, but no amount of “Yeah, Babies!” could prepare you for “the filthiest people on Earth.” Flamingos is an entirely different beast all together. To quote Roger Ebert “It should not be considered as a film but as a fact, or perhaps an object.” The Uptown theater is a very classy building. It’s a one screen theater with a balcony and art adorning the staircase, so this wasn’t just something hitting the uninitiated out of left field. It was a whole ‘nother stadium.

No less than three minutes into the the film, the packed theater had loud groaning, and not the type you would expect from midnight in Uptown, Minnesota. There were horrified gasps, audible retching and the site of shadows recoiling in their seats. Fifteen minutes in, people began leaving the theater in droves. The unfamiliar masochists who stuck around to the halfway point, however, were soon visited by the filth fairies who gave the rest of us a gift in the form of their curse. I can’t write exactly what happened on screen that prompted such a reaction (if you ever see it, and I highly suggest you do, you’ll find the movie is a series of trump cards) but at a certain scene the ENTIRE FRONT ROW OF THE BALCONY BEGAN VOMITING SIMULTANEOUSLY. One-by-one the chain-reaction of blown chunks shocked and delighted us all as all but about two dozen or so of us left the theatre. Waters himself had once said he’d rather make someone throw-up than get a standing ovation, so this night must have been his Palme d’Or.

Me @ 'Pink Flamingos' star Divine's grave in Baltimore. Be jealous.

That’s my story and you’re sticky from it.

So until next time…let’s agree to agree!

*Which is why, to this day, the mention of Air Bud conjures up images of something quite different flying through the air.

South Park vs. Militant Islamic Radicals & One Angry Red-Headed Kid

April 23, 2010

I spy with my little eye something that is BLASPHEMOUS!

This week saw the airing of “South Park’s” 201st episode, the aptly named “201.” In it, celebrities and Gingers collided over possession of the Muslim prophet Mohammad who both sides believed solely possessed the ability to “never get made fun of ever.” It was a poignant episode that lived up to the hype of the series, now in its fourteenth season, reaching such a momentous milestone. It was not without controversy as, not unlike the last time creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker (Peace be Upon Them) flirted with broadcasting an image of Mohammad (seen as the highest level of blasphemy in certain Islamic circles, punishable by death), there was an overlying fear at the show’s home Comedy Central that death threats would be made. Little did they know that they would incur the wrath of not only Militant Muslims but a Rigorously Rowdy Redhead.

The Islam-centric threats came from the New York-based website RevolutionIslam. I’d like to quote their official statement that mentioned previous artists murdered for depicting Mohammad in the past and specific directions as to how to get to the creators’ (Peace Be Upon Them) homes, but I can’t as their website has since been hacked in the absolute most hilarious of ways. Minor as it may seem, the threat was enough to intimidate the network itself, resulting in every instance of the word “Mohammad” used in the episode being bleeped out, and a large black censor-bar completely obscuring the prophet for the entire half-hour duration. The network went one step further as to pull the episode out of its scheduled rerun slots, as well as made it, as well as every other episode that so much as mentioned the prophet (!), unavailable to stream on both Netflix and the show’s website.

One of these things is not like the others...

Is Comedy Central overreacting? Perhaps.* Without getting into “we can’t let the terrorists win” rhetoric, I have to echo the sentiment of the show’s original “Cartoon Wars” two-parter from 2006 where, addressing the Danish Mohammad cartoon fiasco, declared that in the eyes of parody “either everything’s OK or nothing is OK.” It’s a slippery slope and, seeing as every other religion has been blasphemed to some degree, sets a dangerous precedent. Stone and Parker (Peace Be Upon Them) responded yesterday morning with this message on the show’s official website:

In the 14 years we’ve been doing South Park we have never done a show that we couldn’t stand behind. We delivered our version of the show to Comedy Central and they made a determination to alter the episode. It wasn’t some meta-joke on our part. Comedy Central added the bleeps. In fact, Kyle’s customary final speech was about intimidation and fear. It didn’t mention Muhammad at all but it got bleeped too. We’ll be back next week with a whole new show about something completely different and we’ll see what happens to it.

Also angry with Stone and Parker (Peace Be Upon Them) is a red-headed Youtube “personality” named CopperCab. You’ve probably seen his original outrage video from a few months ago venting his frustration with the show’s treatment of “Gingers,” people born with red hair, pale skin and freckles:

Which became such a phenomenon that the boys (Peace Be Upon Them) aired a clip of Cartman recreating the video as a commercial for the show’s season premiere:

Of course Coppercab saw the clip and, channeling the spirit of Mick Foley, came back with this:

Personally, I find the idea of one of the biggest franchises in cable-television history targeting an obscure 18-year-old boy for something he said on the internet to be hilarious. Coppercab seems non-plused by the entire thing and, following the implicating of Gingers in the last episode, came back with this:

Folks, if you’re like me, you can’t stop watching those opening three seconds. Incredible. I’d make the kid one of my favorite nutzoids, but I’m not convinced his sheer insanity has peaked yet. Could the Gingers and Radical Islam perhaps be in cahoots? Is this a multi-national conspiracy to get “South Park” removed once and for all? How will Matt and Trey (Peace Be Upon Them) respond on Wednesday? Now that we finally know Cartman’s father, it looks like every truth will be coming forward soon.

So until next time…let’s agree to agree!

UPDATE CUPCAKE: As of 3:15 PM ET on April 23rd 2010 AD, London has REFUSED to air episode “201.” More on this as it develops.

*And by “perhaps” I mean “yes.”