Dinner For Schmucks – Movie Review

More like 'Dinner for Kinda Sucks,' amirite?

From the depths of the sea, back to the block Steve Carell returns to the silver screen alongside Generation X-Y-Z heartthrob Paul Rudd in Dinner for Schmucks, the new motion picture from Meet the Parents director Jay Roach. With Roach’s filmography predominantly consisting of the awkward situation nervous-laughter of the Meet The… series and the brash obnoxiousness of the Austin Powers franchise, pairing him with Carell and Rudd (who both thrive on a hybrid awkward-obnoxiousness) seems like it would either be a chocolate-peanut butter harmony or a oil-water styles clash. Instead, it’s an oil-peanut butter concoction that is something delicious and other times inedible and incapable of powering any automobile. Are you confused? Good. So is this movie.

The film follows Tim (Paul Rudd), a long-struggling executive on the “loser floor” of his office whose hard-work and ingenuity has finally put him in a position to land a promotion that would put him shoulder-to-shoulder with his company’s giants. Unfortunately for him, his higher-ups share a bond through the fraternity of a shared game called “Dinner for Idiots” where each employee brings an unsavory eccentric guest who isn’t in on the joke that they’re being laughed at. Despite his fiancee-to-be’s objections, Tim plays along and invites tax-auditing taxidermist Barry (Steve Carell). Barry winds up being the catalyst who almost causes Tim to lose his job and relationship until he makes the parties involved realize truths about themselves.

The cast is one of the best comedic lineups in recent memory. The promise of a supporting cast including Ron Livingston (Office Space), Larry Wilmore (The Daily Show) and Andrea Savage (Stepbrothers) seems like a can’t miss prospect. Add The Hangover‘s Zach Galifianakis as Barry’s arch-nemesis and show-stealing Lucy Punch (Hot Fuzz) as Tim’s psychotic scorned stalker, and you have a team that can score a hearty laugh just by being onscreen. While Rudd proves here he can finally carry a starring role and Carell continues to find heart and humor in places most are scared to look, an over-restrictive script leaves them without much to do.

Who wouldn't want to be buds with the Rudds?

Having Roach directing is really what muddies the film’s identity. The dark premise (lifted from the French film The Dinner Game) seems perfect for a Will Ferrel/Adam McKay parade of the absurd or an Apatow-style series of awkward cringes that tells us something positive about our early-20s. Sadly, Roach’s direction seems to play it too close to an older-audience skewing Mother-Focker crowd, too conservative and conventional for talent involved, causing the handful of blatantly crude moments to seem woefully out of place. It’s not a movie that feels like it’s holding its talent back. It’s a movie that has them tranquilized.

Such tameness makes the more outrageous plot developments seem plodding and completely disconnected me from the movie. A scene where Barry and Tim break into an apartment where they believe Tim’s girlfriend (The Devil Wears Prada‘s Stephanie Szostak) is cheating on him with one of her sexually promiscuous art clients just seemed too utterly stupid, even within the logic of the movie. I’m all for the suspension of disbelief, but not for its complete waterboarding.

It’s a flawed film with the most noticeably sloppy editing to come from a major studio in recent memory. Even if you aren’t the type of person who “notices things like that,” I assure you that you will. The momentum-halting start-stop-start-stop fades almost seem intended to kill interest with techniques so poor you would think the movie was completed in Clarisworks. That aside, the performances in the film are just strong enough to warrant a recommendation. The Carell-Galifianakis chemistry in particular is off-the-charts and should at least nominate the film for a position in your Netflix Instant-Queue. It’s a movie that can’t decide who its audience is, but the glimpses of what could have been will make for some highly re-playable YouTube clips in four months. Despite a strong waitstaff, the disappointing Dinner for Schmucks will best be enjoyed as pieces of tomorrow’s leftovers.

We give Dinner for Schmucks a Three Out of Five.

So until next time…let’s agree to agree!

Predators – Movie Review

HERE COMES THE PREDATOR!

As a rule, only awesome works of art contain the word “Predator” in their title. From Ice Cube’s third best album The Predator to NBC Dateline’s best spin off “To Catch a Predator,” there’s a standard of quality that goes along with the cosmic name-brand recognition. Of course, the pinnacle of the “things named Predator”-genre has to be the 1987 film Predator. Starring Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor Jesse Ventura and Arch-Bishop Carl Weathers as a three-headed hydra of 80s action, it also unleashed Jim and John Thomas’ “Predator” creatures. Resembling no extra-terrestrial before or since, the predators combined the fear of a dark ages’ xenophobia with the dangers of modern technology and the cold blooded motive of hunting “for sport.” The predator resurfaced in Predator 2, a dystopian urban gang war movie that the intergalactic gamesman just happened to show up in. I’m a bigger Predator 2 apologist than most as the idea of post-Apocalyptic Danny Glover reluctantly teaming with an extra-tasty-Busey Gary Busey to stop a predator in the middle of one of my hood movies is my idea of quality cinema. Then came AVP and AVP:R two movies that didn’t have the word Predator in the title and subsequently sucked. It was time for the franchise to make penance with producer Robert Rodriguez (Sin City, Spy Kids) hiring director Nimrod Antal (Vacancy) to give the predators a proper predicate. The result is Predators.

The movie follows eight humans who find themselves transported to a lush jungle that none of them can identify. Each from different walks of life all over the world, everything from an IDF black ops sniper to a Yakuza enforcer, they’re not sure what they’re doing there but decide to stick together to find out. They soon discover that they’re on a “synthetic” planet made solely for the purpose of hunting game: them. After a few run-ins they meet a, comparatively speaking, longterm survivor on the planet (Laurence Fishburne) who tells them of the hunt and how not only are there “predators” on the planet, but an additional race of “super-predators” who are deeply engaged in a blood feud. Predators hunt, people fight back, parallels are drawn about how our protagonists are the “predators” of our world and the film just kind of lingers until the reels fall off.

YOU'VE AGED WELL!

If I may get No Holds Bard for a moment, “what’s in a name?” Well, in this case, that’s the most disappointing aspect of the film. Yes, in a movie called Predators with a 107 minute running time, we are given a grand total of THREE (3) predators. Granted, three would make it plural, but when a movie called Predators doesn’t even have as many predators as Aliens vs. Predator, that’s a little misleading. What’s even more misleading is at 1:25 of the film’s trailer, a character is shown being lit with several of the trademark predator lazer targets. The scene in the film itself has Royce (Adrien Brody) lit with only ONE, which Rodriguez has admitted “was done for marketing purposes.” Thank you, Robert Rodriguez for turning the predator planet into a house of lies.

The film begins with a good premise and a very promising half-hour. The highlight for me was composer John Debney channeling Alan Silvestri’s original 1987 score, recreating the jungle paranoia while giving this new foreboding a life all its own. It’s a shame that the film then chooses to rest on these laurels and go on a trudging autopilot until the credits. Brody’s performance, where he simultaneously channels Christian Bale’s Batman and Christian Bale’s John Connor, is awful and a far fall cry his work earlier this summer with his absolutely masterful performance in Brodyquest. Also awful is the face reveal of the “super-predator” who looks just like a condensed Men in Black cockroach. And when I say “autopilot until the credits,” I mean it as the film abruptly ends Killa Season-style without finishing its own story. Perhaps this is what we can now expect from movies in the post-recession franchise era, but this wide-open ending just makes me want to watch any further predating even less. Otherwise, the cast is stronger than expected and while there isn’t much else bad about the film, there’s a total absence of anything else notably good. It’s the kid in class you only remember for bragging about getting a C+. For future reference, if you’re ever faced with something advertised as containing “Predators,” adequately prepare yourself for the ‘s’ standing for ‘subpar.’

We give Predators a Two Out of Five

So until next time…let’s agree to agree!

WATCH ‘LIONHEART’ WITH ME!

This is what an awesome movie looks like.

So here I was, sitting down to write another blog entry when I discovered that Lionheart, starring Jean Claude Van Damme, was available in its entirety on YouTube. Ecstatic, I started making telephone calls to everyone in my parish only to discover the majority of them HAVEN’T SEEN LIONHEART! What sorcery is this? Well, as a public service, I’m going to now introduce you to one of mankind’s greatest achievements.

I’m sure I’ll flush out a full review at a later date, but for right now believe me when I tell you this is one of my favorite movies of all time. JCVD, the greatest actor crotch-puncher of our generation, stars as Leon, an A.W.O.L. French Legionaire who returns to America in order to support his brother’s widow’s family through the organized underground fight circuit. The script was co-written by Van Damme, so the flagrant broken bones and broken english go hand-in-hand. There’s action, honor and awesomeness.

For whatever reason, this is the overseas theatrical release but don’t let the alternate title ‘Full Contact’ fool you, it’s still Lionheart and still arguably the finest motion picture ever made.

Tonight on Chazterpiece Theater…

We give Lionheart a Five Out of Five

So until next time…let’s agree to agree!

X-Men: Pryde of the X-Men – Movie Review

Press Rewind if I Haven't Blown Ya Mind.

What’s that? Pryde of the X-Men isn’t a movie? Well, you’re right in the respect that it isn’t a feature length motion picture. No, instead, it’s a scrapped television pilot sent straight to VHS to in efforts to entice kids and pacify man-children clamoring for yet another animated action adventure. Therefore, as the majority of its target audience would refer to it as ‘my X-Men Movie,’ we’re calling this a Movie Review. On June, 4th 1993 on my first day of summer vacation ever, this VHS was the first videotape I ever rented. Commemorating that anniversary along with the various Pride festivals this past weekend (which, as I discovered, are surprisingly NOT X-Men related at all) made this seem topical. Now, on to business.

Pryde of the X-Men was the first animated adventure starring everyone’s favorite mutants. While they had previously made appearances in the 1960s “Sub-Mariner” cartoon and the 1980s “Spiderman and His Amazing Friends” series, this was their opportunity to carry a half-hour and see if the Blackbird would fly on Saturday Mornings. Well, after failing to connect with test audiences in the mid-80s it was relegated to “Special Presentation” status that networks used to run when they want to make a “special event” of something they know would not and will not lead to anything else. It then remained in the Marvel Vaults until the popular 90s “X-Men” show and 2000s movie made the brand hot again, allowing the pilot to be an ever-flowing teat on the mutant cash cow.

"Oh, Hi X-Men!"

Pride of the X-Men focuses on teenage Kitty Pride’s first day with the team as Magneto storms the X-Mansion and steals Professor X’s iPad valuable supercomputer Cerebro which he needs to redirect a comet to smash into the Earth. The X-Men travel to Magneto’s asteroid and SPOILER ALERT! save the day. Over 20 minutes we get glimpses of potential toys the colorful characters, action and, dare I say, potential conflicts?! Realistically speaking, it’s hard to judge a pilot because, as many forget, most pilots suck. They’re “solid” at absolute best, and even then never really come anywhere near to the level of quality a show can reach. All things considered, I can think of *maybe* two pilot episodes of a show ever that I would consider “good episodes.” That in mind, it’s still just alright.

Watching this for the first time in years, I’m immediately taken aback by how stunning the animation is. This was produced by Toei Animation (most famous for “G.I. Joe” and “Transformers”), and even by their standards the stylization is exceptional. The action is also fluid and the editing is really well done. While the bare-bones story doesn’t allow for much to be done with these tremendous advantages, they really are something special.

The real legacy of Pryde of the X-Men is twofold. Most notably, it’s the basis for the 1992 painfully classic Konami X-Men Six-Person Arcade Game. Yes, the plot was lifted and turned into countless hours of quarter-spending English-butchering action. And by butchered I mean mercilessly slaughtered. Also memorable about the film is the startling revelation that Wolverine is Austrailian. Eerily predicting Hugh Jackman’s involvement with the character by over a decade, legend has it a line of dialogue involving Wolverine mocking an Australian character by calling him a “dingo” went unchanged after the scene was altered to have him addressing a non-Austrailian character. As a result, we have a Canadian character who talks like this:

Overall, the story falling short of the visuals really stands out and make the entire affair somewhat empty. Austrailian Wolverine aside, the voice talent is really well done, and the dialogue so freely using concepts like death and prejudice was pretty ahead of its time, particularly for a Reagan-era cartoon. As a launching point for a series, I can understand the hesitance and its failure is probably for the better with how quickly it would have become dated, as opposed to the timeless far superior 90s incarnation. Still, without factoring nostalgia, it’s a nice artifact of what 80s children’s programming was geared for, with hints of where it was going to go within the next decade.

We give X-Men: Pryde of the X-Men a Three Out of Five.

Oh, and as a bonus, I’ve worked my Catholic magic to put the entire thing up here to watch right now! Hooray internet!

So until next time…Let’s Agree to Agree!

X-Men Origins: Wolverine – One Year Later

Genesis 18:20

During his 1817 visit to Florence, Italy, French author Henri-Marie Beyel fell victim to a psychosomatic illness now known as Stendahl Syndrome. Characterized by fainting, catatonia and intense hallucinations triggered by being overwhelmed by art, it is believed to be the result of a literal sensory overload. With the majority of the outbreaks happening in Florence where works are particularly lush and plentiful, one could make the argument their art having such an impact the highest compliment an artist could receive. But what about when a work of art causes an overtly negative reaction that pushes its viewers to the absolute limit causing a passionate outburst of violent anger? So was the opening night screening of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, or as actor Steven Trolinger put it, “the worst thing that has ever happened.”

It’s hard to believe one year has passed since the release of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, henceforth referred to as The Events of 5/1. Before we continue, I’d like to point out that I absolutely do not care in the slightest about a film’s faithfulness to its source material. While my familiarity with the Marvel Universe is above-average, I can recognize that comics and film are both different mediums and can divorce the merits of one when evaluating the other. My loathing for this film isn’t because I feel some nostalgic loyalty, but rather because it is an absolute abomination on every imaginable level.

Leviticus 18:25.

For every hyperbolic critique people tend to lob at a movie, this was perhaps the first time that all of them were true. Most glaringly, there was no plot. No story. At all. Some of you reading this now may remember thinking the “movie” was “OK,” “wasn’t that bad” or that you even “liked it.” Well riddle me this, what was the “movie” about? I challenge you, in once sentence, to describe The Events of 5/1. The whole 82 minute running time is an attention-deficit fueled* experiment in human endurance. Don’t get it twisted, I love a good summer blockbuster shiny-go-boomy movie as much as the next real American, but if I’m going to turn my brain off I don’t need it pried from my skull.

“Director” Gavin Hood is the “film’s” cinematic angel of death. His inept handling of The Events of 5/1 seems to almost be intentional. Either that, or he has perhaps never seen a motion picture before and doesn’t understand how they work. Evidence for this is seen in an overhead shot of a character looking to the sky and screming “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” happening no less than FOUR (4) times in the film. Even what would be the film’s highlight, the opening scene of Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds, some truly inspired casting) smart-mouthing a room full of soon dead bad guys, becomes inverted into one of the film’s greatest flaws as we don’t see the character for another seventy minutes until he returns with his mouth sown shut and everything endearing about the character removed.

Psalms 7:14

But the silver lining in the F-5 funnel cloud that was The Events of 5/1 was seeing it opening night in New York City and, for the first time, seeing an entire audience turn on a “film.” Even with the bootleg leaking over a month prior** the entire theater was sold out and packed into Union Square like chickens in a slaughterhouse. The first five minutes seemed fine, heroic action was cheered and one-liners were repeated with the word “bitch” added to the end, all-in-all a typical opening night Manhattan screening. But then, the first “NOOOOOOOO” happen and the audience stared in dumbfounded silence. Were we not in on some joke? Ten minutes later, serious revelations were met with laughter, moments of heartbreak were heckled and action sequences were met with outright groans. Yes, it was that bad and this summer movie “opening weekend” audience knew it. It got so bad that when the credits rolled, the audience (and I swear to gosh this happened) rose to their feet and BOO’ed the movie while pelting the screen with garbage. There was no smattering of applause as rows of disenchanted moviegoers cleared the theater row-by-row with heads hung like a Catholic funeral. When it came time for the bonus scene at the end of the credits, I optimistically yelled from the balcony “HANG ON EVERYBODY, THIS IS GOING TO REDEEM EVERYTHING!” not anticipating that us remaining moviegoers were to be subjected to the absolute worst most hackneyed written moment of dialogue in the history of cinema. The audience boo’ed again, and we all went out separate ways in order to drink to forget.

1 Kings 21:20

With it still having an impressive weekend and Fox hoping to make a sequel and several spinoffs, some are clamoring for a reboot of the franchise. I disagree as, living in a world where X-Men Origins: Wolverine was made and released, I think we need a reboot of humanity as a whole. It’s important that we never forget the Events of 5/1 or else we are doomed to repeat them. Just as the Bush Administration will be defined by 9/11, Obama’s legacy will be that of letting The Events of 5/1 happen under his watch. I attempted to find a copy of the film to listen to the director’s commentary, hoping there would be some explanation for letting such an atrocity take place, but it’s been stripped from all the copies at rental outlets and only made available through the deluxe $34.99 Blu-Ray edition of the film and I flat-out refuse to contribute any more to their evil empire.

We Give X-Men Origins: Wolverine aka The Events of 5/1 a Zero Out of Five

Until next time…let’s agree to agree!

*Realistically speaking, if there was a fuel for the film it would be some mixture of Surge, Red Bull and the liquid at the bottom of the ham in your Lunchables.

**A bootleg which, in all honesty, is a superior cut if only for using the scores of The Dark Knight and Transformers in place of Harry Gregson-Williams’ series of noises.