Burger King Fire Grilled Ribs – Food Review

In the land of the blind, the man with flame grilled ribs is the Burger King.

It’s hard to believe we’re only half-way through 2010 and so much has changed our fragile American landscape. Standardized health care was passed, BP Oil is leaking like the remix to “Ignition” and Fast-Food has entered a new golden age. Whether it be Domino’s Pizza reinventing the wheel or KFC’s Double Down reenforcing what makes this country hated great, just about every major fast food chain has unearthed something new and unexpected for an ever-engorging American public. While active competitor Burger King has dominated the last several summers with such innovations as the Rodeo Burger, Chicken Fries and 2009’s Transformers tie-in the Double Stackticon, this year marks the first time they’ve had significant competition coming from all angles. As the old saying goes, the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his arteries, so it is with great fanfare that Burger King unveils their Burger King Fire Grilled Ribs.

Yes, Ribs. At first glance, this seems like an unfair tugging of the heart strings to the millions of us pining for the glob-shaped hole the McRib left in our lives when it went extinct years ago. After all, if the past decade has taught us anything, it’s that when you can’t think of a fresh idea, nostalgia can sell someone their childhood back an infinite amount of times. This doesn’t seem to be the case as, if anything, BK is looking to outshine not only the shadow of the McRib, but any other item in Drive-Thru Dining. They’re dead serious. So serious, in fact, that they got the National Pork Board to endorse their Ribs as the first “authentic” ribs sold from a national fast-food hamburger chain. Not unlike the Arch Deluxe and Angus Burgers before it, Burger King is attempting to classy-up their image and present their food as legitimate restaurant quality. This seems to be counter-productive as their commercials primary serve as our nation’s leading supplier of nightmare fuel, but who am I to argue with the King?

Photo c/o Mahogany Girl. Used Without Permission.

Using the the proper reporting techniques I learned at the Robert Heenan School of Journalism, I had the Ribs for two separate meals from two different Burger Kings to really get an unbiased perspective. Both times, the Ribs were surprisingly not awful. While they’re more than half-bone, the actual meat was tender, somewhat succulent and warm. They were about the size of the Chicken Tenders and with their texture, color and shape I’m hoping their street name catches on as “Meat Newtons.” In interactive-dining tradition, the Ribs arrive sauceless, allow you the consumer to determine how you want your bite-sized bargain bin barbecue to be slathered. On sheer instinct I ate my first sitting with BK’s Tangy Sweet-and-Sour sauce and was caught off-guard by how well the flavors went together. Imagine my disappointment when my second go round was with with the King’s wretched Barbecue sauce. I interrupted my meal to page my local science journals inquiring how something could be so bland and repulsive at the same time. It should be christened Black-Hole sauce as it is a nauseating vortex from which no flavor can survive.

This great country has survived for so long because it is a functioning democratic republic, and the fact that Burger King lacks the checks and balances to stop something like their Ribs being offered at a time when their own barbecue sauce is so wretched is a crime against nature. Even with the tastiness of the Ribs with the sweet-and-sour sauce, it’s not enough to justify their $8.00 price. For that money I could get much better bad barbecue or, if I’m treating some lucky lady in the city, spend four dollars more and get mediocre-to-satisfactory ribs at any of our many tourist traps. Underwhelming and unappetizing, it’s an unfortunate smudge on Burger King’s perfect record.

And now, for a counter point, here’s Reverend Burn with the Fat Perspective (language warning):

We give Burger King’s Fire Grilled Ribs a Two Out of Five

So until next time…let’s agree to agree!

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2 Comments on “Burger King Fire Grilled Ribs – Food Review”

  1. Sam Says:

    I love Reverend Burn’s impression of a “proper skinny person”. That said, I would never spend 8 bucks at Burger King.

  2. Jack Says:

    BK just have to stick with burger…

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