Things I Reference All the Time – Volume 1

Do you understand the words that are coming out of my blog?

Oh, Hi Readers. Over the 23-and-a-half years I’ve been on this planet* I’ve come to discover that I like certain funny things to the point of repeating them whenever possible. This has allowed me to stretch the amount of laughs in one sitting to absolute capacity. Sometimes** I’ll make a reference that will go over the heads of everybody in the room, leaving me alone on stage mid-battle staring at the crowd as if to say “No trust me, this gentlemen I’m disrespecting looks JUST LIKE that unflattering celebrity I’ve compared him to.” So, in the interest of you getting maximum enjoyment out of this site and me in general, here’s five things I reference all the time.

Hamburger!

Alonzo “Hamburger” Jones was introduced to me last August by the homegirl Marni and my life has never been the same. Where to begin? His entire “act” is a serious of jokes bridged together by the word “hamburger.” No rhyme or reason to his train of thought, just jokes randomly bridged together by the word “hamburger.” Research tells me he’s on the Christian Comedy circuit and uses “hamburger” in place of other comedians’ cuss words. I can respect withholding the swears for whatever the reason, but how can one be a CHRISTIAN INSULT COMIC? He’s also wearing a vest and cowboy hat that he never once makes reference to. Hamburger.

HEY, YOU LIKED ‘CARNOSAUR!’

Siskel and Ebert have always been heroes of mine, and The Critic was one of the first television shows I really became a fan of. Their guest appearance is one of the series’ highlights, and since age 8 their summoning of movies they can’t believe the other liked acted as my step-by-step guide to arguing***. Girlfriend upset with you for forgetting her birthday? Roommate angry you ate all his Funyuns? Just turn to them and yell “HEY, YOU LIKED CARNOSAUR!” Argument won.

Oh, Hi (your name)

For the five of you out there not familiar with The Room, it’s a motion picture that fires its awfulness engine on all cylinders. A running “joke,” that nobody involved in the film in any way shape or form is in on, is how just about every entrance of a character on screen is met with “Oh, Hi Mark” or any variant thereof. This has become the absolute only way I greet people. I suggest you do the same.

People Come Up to me and they say “Paul?” And I say “What?” And they say…

Dear Starchild is one of my favorite YouTube series. Pat Francis’ hilarious impression of Paul Stanley from KISS has always been an enjoyable part of the ‘Never Not Funny’ Pardcast. When he moved it to YouTube as an advice column, well, let’s just say it was awesome. The opening “…and I say ‘what’…” bit has been summoned countless times on this site. That’s just how I put the ‘X’ in ‘Sex.’

WE’RE LIVIN WE’RE LIVIN WE’RE LIVIN IN EXTREME DAYS!

As the old adage goes “All good things must come to an end involving Christian Rap-Rock.” TobyMac, one-third of rap-rock pioneers DC Talk, has always been ahead aware of the curve. If you’ve ever seen the Gospel Music Channel documentary on the man, you would know he takes full credit for the idea to put singing in the middle of verses on rap songs****. By picking up the aged white Christian rap torch where Carman left off, the TobyMac debuted as the rapper on “Jesus Freak” before breaking solo eventually leading to the TobyMacsterpiece “Extreme Days.” A paint-by-numbers late 90s nu-metal jumpoff from the excess usage of the word “Extreme” to the melodic “deep” part in the middle***** to the acting scene in the middle describing the artist as dangerous and pursued by bad actors the government, it’s some sort of awful perfection. Next time you go to a party, just jump in the room and scream “COMIN AT ‘CHA LIKE A WHIRLWIND!” You may have heard this song in the post-apocalyptic XBox360 game Crackdown where, when you steal a car from futuristic cyborg thugz, it’s the first song that plays.

Scene from 'Avatar' (2009)

So until next time… let’s agree to agree!

*EARTH, which is NUMBER ONE! SUCK IT NEPTUNE!

**And by “sometimes” I mean “just about every time.”

***Meaning if you and I are on an airplane, I will probably have an outburst debating with you over the merits of this.

****Seriously. He really said this. Must be part of that “school of Hip-Hop 1979” where “Sugar Hill had the skill” that taught him to steal rhyme.

*****HE WAS ONLY E-LEV-EN!

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One Comment on “Things I Reference All the Time – Volume 1”

  1. Dave Says:

    Damn. too much to say about these videos. Who knew hamburger jones was acting like an old white guy long before old whiteguys were? Groundbreaking.

    and notice how much time is spent on the “extreme days” video, simply cuing the viewer into the fact that TobyMac has really blue eyes. Man, they needed some surgery for that shit! Oh wait, no its just contacts… HAM-BURGER!


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