The KFC Double Down – Food Review
Over the course of human events, it becomes clear that achievements reached within one’s lifetime often have far-reaching implications both benefiting civilization and casting a shadow of damnation over generations to come. With planet Earth’s population rapidly approaching seven billion, basic ingenuity is coupling with ever-advancing technology to spring forth a cornucopia of innovations within humanity’s modern landscape. But with great power comes great caloric intake and with only 36,000 KFC locations in the free (and imprisoned) world, it’s going to take something special to maintain human satiation. Enter: The Double Down.
On the surface, it seems like the Colonel is daring us to eat it. From the same minds that brought us
The KFC Failure Pile The KFC Famous Bowls that piled just about every item on their menu into one depressing brownish-grey mass that became their most successful menu item of all time, comes The Double Down. If you’ve been living under The Rock and haven’t heard of this Sodom & Gomorrah import, it’s like a special sauced bacon-cheese sandwich only with two chicken filets replacing the buns and a cold black stone where your dignity used to be. On paper, the jump from Famous Bowl to Double Down reads as an acknowledgement from the Colonel that he’s upgrading our accommodations from Turn-of-the-Century Turkish Dungeon to Serbian Prisoner-of-War. It’s an entire meal compacted into one handful with no regard for centuries of tableware cutlery. Surely this is a beacon signaling an astonishing panorama of the endtimes, right?
After a highly-successful test run in tourist hubs Omaha, Nebraska and Providence, Rhode Island at the end of last year, the franchise decided to hotshot the item nationwide faster than any menu addition in fast food history. In the short two weeks the sandwich has been available nationwide, it’s been something of a cultural phenomenon. I had to venture to my local KFC no less than four times (!) before they finally had them in stock. Yes, their Double Down resources had been depleted daily, once by 3:15 PM ET. While this may read as a signal that the planet’s population would be vivisected within a calendar year, I spent my time waiting in line reading the nutritional facts. Truth be told, it’s honestly one of the healthier items KFC offers. While it does absurdly boast one-half of your daily sodium intake, it’s no worse for you than a Big Mac is. Further, it’s significantly better* for you than Wendy’s Triple Baconator, Hardee’s Monster Burger and even Burger King’s Whopper. Seriously.
The sandwich is better than you would expect. I tried both Grilled and Fried incarnations of the Double Down last weekend and was pleasantly surprised. Grilled, the sandwich was smaller than I envisioned, and attempting to hold it within the wax-paper sandwich holder** was a bit of a feat. The melted cheese gave the edges a texture comparable only to The Toxic Avenger, and the sauce was splashed on both filets with all the subtlety of Mario Paint. Neither of those are necessarily bad things, rather the almost self-awareness of the menu item’s ridiculousness made for an enjoyable dining experience. The Fried*** Double Down is was even better, offering high quality white meat chicken filets pure as the driven snow. It was also more filling and less of a Pollack painting to eat.
The only real flaw with the Double Down**** is the bacon. It is bad. Really bad. Remember in third grade when you slept over at your friend’s house and his newly divorced father attempted to cook bacon for the first time? It’s worse than that. I can say without hyperbole that the rubber-silly putty hybrid passed off as bacon is the absolute worst I have ever ingested in any form at any location ever. It should be outlawed under the Geneva Conventions. It is Guantanamo Bacon.
That aside, the Double Down is better than you’ve imagined/feared. Is it some delicious apocalypse? No. The sensationalized nature of the item really seems to be a marketing ploy. KFC is daring you to eat it. They’re scuffing your Pumas and spitting gravy in your face. The ball is in your court, and it’s a shot you can make. Steer clear of the Biblically Bad Bacon and you should be fine.
We give The KFC Double Down a Four Out of Five.
Until next time…let’s agree to agree!
*If “better” is interchangable with “less worse.”
**Yeah, I’m no fun.
***Which I originally mistyped as “Friend” and now somewhat fear for my own mental health.
****The first and only time this sentence opener will appear in print, word or thought.
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