CENSUS 2010 – Census Review

THE MARK OF THE BEAST

Happy Spring dear readers. If you’re not like me, you’ve probably been wondering where I’ve been. Last week’s updates were somewhat sporadic and it’s been six days since my last transmission out to you in internetville. While I understand the idealistic and comforting thoughts that, perhaps, I was celebrating Easter or Passover with loved ones or returning to Can Cun for Spring Break with Skylar and Chet, the situation has been far more serious. I know this may come as a shock to many of you, but I may have really messed up something with my personal life that has now put me, you and everyone we know* in grave danger. I filled out the 2010 Census.

Yes, I don’t know what I was thinking and that’s exactly why I’ve been holed up in my attic/bunker/bomb shelter/Arby’s for the past week. By letting the government know that (and sorry if this is TMI) I’m a 23-and-a-half-year-old white male who has two roommates, I have left myself vulnerable to whatever socialist hologram missile they want to fire at my door and take my guns, which I’ve named “Lord Tariq” and “Peter,” away. Not since I foolheartedly got the H1N1 vaccine shot last February have I wandered into such an apocalyptic warzone from which no independence can escape. I’ve been seduced by a system that somehow allows a Democratic Republic to make not willingly participating in something so unconstitutional a federal offense.

But now that I’ve made my bath, it’s time to sleep in it. This was the first Census, U.S. or otherwise, I’ve ever taken part in. I did recall having fond memories of Census 2000, but in reality I was just thinking of Death Race 2000. From what television (tell-lie-vision) and radio (rey-dio, Spanish for “King God”) would have you believe, the purpose of the Census is to figure out who exactly is making up this pretty good great country. However, Minnesota Congresswoman and Pixar villain Michele Bachmann recently made it quite clear the Government wants to read my diary and find out which girl in homeroom I like as in like like. This sentiment was shared by evolution-denying Texas Congressman Ron Paul who whined about it voiced his concerns while trying to figure out how to work his answering machine. Using this evidence, we can clearly see that Barack Obama is planning on rounding up all the Japanese into internment camps as his entire administration runs on a platform whose primary focus is harkening back to World War II and finishing the job. I mean, I’m as disinterested in anime as the next guy who bathes, but I would NEVER willingly take part in THIS!

As for the Census itself, despite being a fascist trap that plays directly into the New World Order‘s plan for global domination, it was pretty nice. It came on a high quality paper and was worded in a manner that made it accessible for all but not oversimplified. There was only one section that I felt the wording was a little bit off:

Ummmmmmm....what?

Now, it’s not my place to speak on that word but I did read that the Government has attempted to explain the controversial word choice by stating that enough Americans still self-identify as that word that I don’t feel comfortable typing. The word I can speak on, however, is “white.” I, myself, greatly prefer the term “Caucazoid.” In fact, I think racial identification is just more white guilt reactionary institutionalized profiling of the other. Instead, people should identify as “Awesome,” “Jus Aiight” or “Jerk.” Doesn’t that seem simpler?

Overall, if we survive the Reptilian Humanoids using the information provided to crash commercial aviation into our homes, 2020’s Census looks promising. Right now, however, the outdated terminology really takes away from what would otherwise be a truly great Government form. Picking up the tab on returning the form was a nice touch, almost making up for the redundancy of the “Census is coming” and “Your Census is Due” pamphlets I received in the mail which really made Uncle Sam seem like a needy College girlfriend. It’s above-average, but still somewhat of a letdown.

We give The 2010 Census a Three Out of Five.

Until next time… Let’s Agree to Agree!

*Except for “people” who enjoyed the movie Me and You and Everyone We Know as I don’t really recognize them as people, but rather opaque talking odors.

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2 Comments on “CENSUS 2010 – Census Review”

  1. Poker Face Says:

    Great post.
    Ya know, I thought it was odd they wasted so much money telling us the census was coming. In actuality, they pored through a ton of statistics, and concluded spending a little extra on the advance work would get more people to fill the damn thing out, so they’d save money by needing less census-workers to track down all those folks who would normally throw the thing away.
    The numbers say they made the right choice.

  2. Reggie Says:

    You must be senseless to fill out the census.


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