THIS WEEK IN SPAM – The Best Email I’ve Ever Received
Ahh yes, youth. I remember, when I was younger, the best part about being a youngster was how young I was. Among the many things I did when I was chronologically at a more comfortable distance from the apocalypse was front a local punk band*. At the tender age of 16, and the even more tender age of 15, I had the time to really focus all my energy on getting us as known as possible both in Minneapolis and the surrounding world. There aren’t a whole lot of places you can perform when you, for all intensive purposes, aren’t old enough to go anywhere, so I had to get creative and use every outlet possible. After getting an album in all the local stores, I tried to stay as in-tune with everything happening in the scene as possible, so I signed up for the Minnesota Music Directory (MMD). A local music almanac of sorts, this listing allowed us** to make a lot of great connections, get booked at better venues on better bills and just stay active.
When my Senior Year of High School rolled around in 2003/2004 I decided to put said punk rock venture on permanent temporary hiatus and went back to focusing on my first love – rapping. I was getting into full blown “I’m that kid at high school who raps and knows all about rap music” mode. Rapping all day at school and writing rhymes all night, I was putting the finishing touches on my parking lot platinum CD-R The Brown Bunny when I decided to give the MMD another shot, this time as a solo Hip-Hop artist. It seemed like the next logical step and I looked forward to similar results. I was wrong. I’m talking K-Solo attempting to spell the word “bird” wrong.
While being listed as a Punk Rock outfit gets you offers of great studio treatment, better gigs and plenty of cool interactions, your listing as a solo rap artist results in your email flooded daily by every pre-teen in the Twin Cities swearing up and down that they’re the next “lyrical (noun) about to blow up.” I honestly don’t recall getting a single email from someone who wasn’t an aspiring rap artist***.
However, this one year of annoyance was worth it if only for the 1K message you are about to read. Arriving in my inbox with nothing but the mysterious title Young Rappers, I opened it up to discover one of the lost literary classics of the modern era. I’ve only recently rediscovered it through navigating my way through old emails and now have the ability to share the magic and wonder of Young Rappers with the rest of the world.
It is with the utmost joy that I present to you, Young Rappers.
Please enjoy it in its full unedited**** glory:
—– Original Message —–
From (name of pre-existing famous rapper) (***************@aol.com)
Date Thu, 10 Nov 2005 00:29:28 -0600
To Chaz Kangas (******@nyu.edu)
Subject Young Rappers
Can u hook us up or sumthin’? we only 13 – 14 & we got a mean flo + we B
Killin’ tha Rap Battelz!
Dis Ya boi, (name of pre-existing famous rapper) : herez somthin’ I wrote in like 6 minutes, jus 4
I b hustlin’ all day & night
so b4 u try & stick me up u, betta think twice!
Cuz I got somethin’ chunky & it’ll leave u cold az ice
Gurlz,got a lot, dough, im gettin’ plenty
(expletive deleted) man I’m eatin’ to much & im still skinny!
& im still hungry so itz time to gimme’ mine
so if a (expletive deleted) try 2 hate ima lay him down w/tha 9!
Yea I started hustlin’ at a young age
but (expletive deleted) I cant help it if I luv gettin’ paid
& jus 2 make sure we on da same page
I’ma put tha shotti 2 ya body, then im blowin’ out ya rib cage!
make sure u strapped b4 u step 2 me, If not i’ll have yo (expletive deleted)
flee’in tha country like a refugee!
I carry big gunz!
& if that (expletive deleted) u sold me wasn’t sticky, then im commin’ back 4 a refund! &
act like u aint gon’ gimme’ dat,
& my steal will crack ya back as if we waz at a lobsta shack!
But (expletive deleted) got it twisted like: shorty not a thug, but shorty
dont play he quick 2 hit chu’ wit a slugg!
Yo, im on tha block w/tha purp, puttin’ money into my
account & I aint old enough 2 work!
Cuz i b on tha grind! me & my whole team, we quick 2 sell u
a rock bigga than R.Kelly’z earing!
My product hott so I kno u want it!
U can catch me on tha block in a tall tee w/tha sticka on it!
but if I put that heata 2 yo head them bulletz hoppin’ out tha
mutha (expletive deleted) toasta like wonder bread.
I move like a gangsta move, so i’ma stay countin’ paper until tha day tha
my thumbz iz bruized!
But listen!… I aint hear just to rap, im commin’ w/sum hot
(expletive deleted) that’ll bring tupac & biggie back!
U got gunz? well im bangin’ mine! Im on tha block plus I rap & im goin’ 2
skool at tha same time!
But az im gettin’ olda tha streetz iz gettin’ colda!
that y I dont move rock, im 2 bizzy movin’ bouldaz!
So wen tha fedz finally cum & kick in tha door &
catch me ova tha stove! U kno im bangin’ tha 4
Headin’ out tha back door!
Im tryna get ova a mill out a deal, cuz if not then im back on
tha block sellin’ pillz!
But if a (expletive deleted) try 2 take my life man, I’ma stop him in hiz trackz & clap
back until tha “gat” jam!
we got mo of dat & we only been writin’ for 3 dayz now (itz nothin’),
so if u feelin’ it,den…Jus Holla! (& dont hav nobody bytin’ or stealin’
my rymez!) Also we got guyz who can sing/flo 2! so…itz wateva! Holla!
—–End of Message —–
Wow. Now, luckily, the internet didn’t allow me to email every rapper in the Twin Cities when I was 11-13 because I may have done something vaguely similar. However, if you have the ability to do this, you undoubtably should have been able to Google your own rap name to make sure that nobody, particularly an artist signed to Death Row Records that appeared on two of the most well known rap albums of all time, has already called dibs on your rap name. We all made mistakes in our youth and we still make them today, especially in rap where recording errors sometimes result in classic songs. so I’m not going to dig into this spam too hard. It may not have been their intention, but five years later this one electronic mail has brought me more joy than most of my Hip-Hop correspondences combined. Children are our future. Chaz luh da kids.
We Give Young Rappers a Five Out of Five.
Until next time…let’s agree to agree!
*And by “band” I mean “me and my Casio.”
**And by “us” I mean “me and my Casio.”
***And by “aspiring” I mean “attempting and not succeeding.”
****And by “unedited” I mean “I took out their names, email and foul language.”
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