MY FAVORITE NUTZOIDS: Sylvia Browne!
This is the first entry in a new series here at Popular Opinions called My Favorite Nutzoids where I will be covering the goofballs, wackos and weirdies that make the internet such a wonderful place. As you know, this world’s full of some incredible people with captivating stories to share. Coincidentally, it’s also full of people who are awful. People who’ve not only failed at awesomeness but refused to settle for mediocrity and shifted into full blown awfulness. Fortunately for us, said awfulness has been captured on video and archived forever and ever right here on the internet. Our first Nutzoid – famed “psychic” Sylvia Browne.
I’ve never taken issue with psychics the way most have. From Miss Cleo to medium John Edwards, they’ve suckered the sad and desperate into a magic world they can believe in. The branding of their ilk as “Psychics” lends them a credibility that has made folks who should have known better assume that they’re talking with an authority on their own future. It’s incredibly parasitic but really just equates to a time-killing parlor trick that some people take too seriously. The Psychic friends and family plan has always noted their advice is “for entertainment purposes only,” thus I’ve never faulted them so much as the people who ascribe to them and still believe Marilyn Manson is the rib-removing auto-fillating puppy-killing Paul from “The Wonder Years.” You might as well be mad at strippers for not loving you.
Sylvia Browne, however, is of a different breed. When merely convincing others that she can communicate with voices from beyond the grave* just wasn’t cutting it, she decided to go as far as to contribute her unsolicited predictions to law enforcement officials and grieving parents around the world. It’s not enough to simulate hope or, worst-case scenario, help a deluded soul find peace. She wants to be known as a modern prophet, as THE medium between Heaven and Earth. I first discovered her about five years ago when a friend of mine was going through a rough loss of a loved one and she had Browne’s book Life On the Other Side in clear view and told me it was helping her out. If you’ve never seen it, it’s not made to look like a mystic or enchanted book of secrets, but masquerades as a legitimate self-help grief counseling book. So you can imagine my surprise when I flipped through a few pages and found that the book contain an “actual” Map of Heaven. Seriously. She drew up a map of Heaven and published it under something other than “a bunch of stuff I just made up for fun.” That’s loopy enough, but THEN, a few months later, these clips here happened:
Hopefully you watched both clips to gauge what a despicable entity this toad of a woman is. You saw in the first clip how she “doesn’t care” what the autopsy said as if to serve these grieving parents some enlightened truth. That’s awful on all cylinders. But then to claim the second woman’s husband DROWNED on 9/11! That’s something not even the conspiracy theorists who believe the US Government crashed two Gyradoses into the Twin Towers would believe. There’s so many telling things in these clips. Look at how immediately dejected and dissatisfied the inquirers are. Revel in how Montel Williams, a human being so boring most scientists consider him not a solid but a gas who talks, attempts to excuse this pushy broad’s unbudging communications into thinking they’re in any way accurate. Gawk at how this woman, in the face of the most blinding inaccuracies, maintains her correctness. And that’s just when she’s been proven wrong. Look at the liberties she takes when mortality has already silenced any possible disagreements:
Watch the way she croaks out “Youknowthisisrealyhardtotellyouyourfatherisnotyourfather.” She’s an obnoxious classless rhinoceros mercilessly charging the worst kind of disgusting pretentiousness toward any listening ears. The worst part of it all is that she preys on the most sympathetic of audiences and she’s not even a good guesser. Her most infamous moment came two years ago when she told the parents of kidnapped child Shawn Hornbeck that not only was their child dead, but described in great detail how it happened and where the body is. Four years later, Hornbeck was found ALIVE AND WELL and said firsthand how NOTHING in Browne’s reading was remotely close to right. Behold:
(make sure you have annotataions on)
Would writing that she’s the worst woman alive be slanderous? No, because print is libel. Would it be libelous? Well, let’s take a look at things from her publicist’s perspective. Here, the homie Anderson Cooper examines just about ALL of Browne’s most (self-)championed victories. In consideration of Browne’s credibility, consider this the 360 finishing move:
Now that we’ve heard from all sides of the issue, I think we can agree she is an unrelentingly irredeemable human being. An unholy amalgamation of Dionne Warwick and Jabba the Hut, she personifies everything wrong with the psychic movement and liars in general. She is arguably Western Civilization’s least-redeeming modern abomination and is further proof that all that glitters isn’t Browne. The verdict: Sylvia Browne is a Nutzoid.
As a human being we give Sylvia Brown a One Out of Five.
Until next time…let’s agree to agree!
*And from the looks of her, it looks like she can communicate with those from beyond the gravy AMIRITE?
Tags: awful, browne eyed girl, catchphrase, chain smoking, communication with the dead, crazy, evil, fat, gainers, gas bag, gravy, i'm saying she's fat and she would be awful if she wasn't fat but since she's fat there is more of her to be awful, jabba the hut, kidnapped but not really, mediums, new age, nutzoid, old country buffet, pretentiousness, psychic, stuffing, sylvia browne, talking with the dead, terrible, things that croak, unsalvageable human beingsYou can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site.