CHAZ’S ARBITRARY TOP TEN LIST EXTRAVAGANZA 2010! (C.A.T.T.L.E.)
You know what sucks? January. What an awful month. I know a lot of you have romanticized these 31 days as a “fresh start” or a distance from what was “the worst year of your life*,” but in reality it’s when you return to school/work, get the bills from the Holidays, mourn the poor performances from your preferred professional sports franchise and just remain glum as now that Christmas decorations are gone there’s NO REASON FOR IT TO STILL BE SNOWING AND AWFUL OUTSIDE.
The worst part about all this is that January is the one time of the year that there is no escape. You may not be aware of this, but we as North Americans suffer an absolute cultural drought for at least this first month of the year**. It’s an entertainment industry secret that January is when all the movies/albums that aren’t any good get released so that they won’t affect how the respective studios performed for the quarter/year. Ever wonder why you see posters for so many movies that AREN’T GOOD but can’t find a review for them? It’s because they’re tax write-offs and by Oscar time they’ll be long forgotten. That’s why Cloverfield generated the hype that it did in 2008 because it was promoted for an entire calendar year, shrouded in mystery, made on the cheap and opened UNOPPOSED FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH. That’s the only way you can open something in January, and this year we don’t have that. It’s a cultural dead zone.
That’s why I’ve held on to my “Best of 2010” and “Best of the Decade” lists until now. The phenomenon of these lists have always dictated that they come out sometime between December 15th-31st as after that, who cares? It’s supposedly a new year and everything before then is in the past. This makes lists sloppy and gives the reader little chance to catch anything. That’s why this week is devoted to making lists! Yes, it’s the inaugural CHAZ’S ARBITRARY TOP TEN LIST EXTRAVAGANZA!
Will you cheer me on when we agree? Will you curse my name when we differ? Will you find enlightenment? Whatever your reason is to read a Top Ten list, I’m fairly certain that I will deliver in some capacity. In fact, I’m going on record as saying you will never read a Top Ten collection quite like this. Anywhere. Period. No, more than period. Menopause.
So relax your mind, let your conscience be free. Tell a friend to telegram. It’s about to get madd numerical in this ma’fudger! Prepare to become entertained and learned!
Until next time Let’s Agree to Agree!
*I’m honestly surprised by how many people referred to 2009 as “the worst year” they’ve ever had. That is soooooo 2008 of you.
**I’m not being “funny Chaz” now, this is a real thing.