Posted tagged ‘top ten’

The Top Ten BET Un:Cut Videos (C.A.T.T.L.E.)

July 6, 2010

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday.

It’s hard to believe it has been only four years since the demise of the hour of programming known as BET Un:Cut. The last block of exclusively “underground” and “independent” music on a major basic cable network, its absence has left a booty-shaped hole in the hearts of Hip-Hop and female anatomy aficionados everywhere. Since RapReviews just re:uped the BET UN:CUT SYMPOSIUM PODCAST I did with Adam Bernard two years ago (FREE DOWNLOAD! A MUST HEAR! RING THE ALARM!) I’ve decided to offer a little extra credit with my countdown of the top 10 BET Un:Cut videos of all time.

Be warned, this is the first post in the history of this site I have to declare a state of NSFW in order to do the subject matter justice. Welcome to the land of a thousand asses.

10 ) Lil Jon & the East Side Boys – “Bia Bia”

The original incarnation of BET UN:CUT was to allow the more explicit major label videos that had to be toned down for prime time to air completely unedited. Back in 2001, this was among the show’s first staples. Resembling a David Fincher film, Jon conducts a carnival of urban macabre while controversially wearing a Confederate flag t-shirt. I remember this video being the topic of choice of Ms. Pfeiffer’s sixth period Spanish Class as Amy Johnson would reference it all the time.

9 ) Waxamillion – “No Panties on the Dancefloor”

Sometimes these videos speak for themselves, which is perfect for moments like this were I am at a complete loss for words.

8 ) Crazy Al Cayne – “T&A”

“T&A” is an interesting entry in the Un:Cut canon as it’s among the first fully self-aware videos that aired in the 3-4 AM time-slot. After a string of successful parodies, popular radio personality Crazy Al Cayne decided in 2004 to finally shoot a video for one of his original compositions “T&A.” I remember Cayne himself posting teaser clips of the video for several weeks before it finally aired and having the final product far exceed my seventeen-year-old expectations.

7 ) Murs f/ Shock G & Humpty Hump – “Risky Business”

The heyday of BET Un:Cut occurred simultaneously with that of the modern indie-rap movement, so it’s only natural that the two worlds finally collided. Along with the Dilla-Madlib collaboration “McNasty Filth” shocking a nation of rap-apologist “conscious” coffee house college freshmen, the most successful of all these crossovers was Murs’ “Risky Business.” While Aesop Rock’s “Easy” was the first video from independent powerhouse Definitive Jux getting regular play during the channel’s standard rap video hours, Murs teamed with the Digital Underground frontman to crash parties across all camps and campuses.

6 ) Top Secret – “Dollie”

When I say BET Un:Cut would play a rap video of ANYONE from ANYWHERE regardless of quality, I really really really meant it. Case-in-point, Top Secret’s video for “Dollie,” a tribute to breasts that looks like it was shot on scotch tape through a Game Gear. Following the success of the song, the group attached a disclaimer to the front claiming it was a comedy video. Unfortunately for these Tommy Wiseaus of rap, it’s a notice that would never air.

5 ) TIE – Joker the Bailbondsman f/ Bizzy Bone – “Uh-Huh”

Labtekwon – “Uhnnn Huhnnn”

While I find putting “ties” in Top Ten lists to be cheating most of the time, I just couldn’t justify this as the definitive Un:Cut list without including both of these videos for no other reason than that they share the same name. First, Alaska’s favorite son Joker the Bailbondsman’s follow up to his original Un:Cut classic that has the most obvious use of stock footage in music video history that was propelled by the charisma of the then almost-completely insane Bizzy Bone. This was right when music video censorship started to get extreme, so the catchiness of “money in a ziploc bag” got relegated to after hours enjoyment.

The latter, from Baltimore rapper Labtekwon is another case of local icon striking national exposure through a veritable buffet of ass.

4 ) The Team Uncut – “Time For Freakin”

At the height of my 14-year-old “I only like lyrical rappers” phase, I used to loathe this video for every reason I love it now. I remember playing some Tony Hawk Dreamcast and always pausing to scowl at the TV when I heard that “bau-ba-bau-baup” bassline kick in. Another one of the early staples, it boggles my mind to this day that something this obscenely amateur got national television time several nights a week for five years. From the “I just got this camera, check out the cool stuff I can do”-esqe cleavage zoom-in to the “check out how funny my crazy friend is” edits to the “I really mean it!” facial expressions of the artists to the “BON-GOOOOOOOOS!” there’s an insane level of so-bad-it’s-so- good-it’s-back-to-bad-again-to-back-to-good-to-great at play that in a pre-YouTube world gave us the all exactly what we needed.

3 ) Mighty Casey – “White Girls”

2 ) Black Jesus – “What That Smell Like”

Game got real. If you ever channel-surfed past an episode of Un:Cut, chances are you’ve seen both of these videos. Adam and I go super in-depth on both of these on our Free BET Un:Cut Symposium Podcast (which you should download) so I’ll just add here that when the story of humanity is written and it’s time for the next great species to write the chapter on BET Un:Cut, these will be the two videos given as shining examples of human triumph. Those two and…

1 ) Nelly – “Tip Drill”

Yes folks, chances are the reason you’re reading this right now and the absolute pinnacle of mankind’s achievements can be found at 5:37 and 5:56 when a credit card gets run through a girl’s buttcheeks. I’m sure some of you out there are deconstructing that as some sort of allegory for the Bush Administration or what Hip-Hop went through over the past decade. I don’t care. What I do care about is how at once point there was a programming block set aside to where such things could be aired on television. It was a nightly magical moment during my formative years that to-this-day shapes my perceptions of women and the world around me. Thank you Mom & Dad for bringing me into this world. Thank you BET for bringing this program into my life. Thank you God for the divine touch that made it all come together.

We give BET Un:Cut a Five out of Five.

So until next time…Let’s Agree to Agree!

CHAZ’S TOP TEN MOVIES OF 2009! (C.A.T.T.L.E.)

January 29, 2010

Chaz’s Arbitrary Top Ten List Extravaganza continues!

FUN FACT: I have a degree in Cinema Studies. A BA. I am a Bachelor of the Arts. This means A) My opinion on movies ranges from 10x-1,000x that of mere mortals and B) Any and Every movie theater across the country is my swingin’ Bachelor Pad. That makes the ten best movies I saw last year the then best parties* I attended. What makes these great movies? Well, they were the best experiences I had watching them. Therefore, with the power of New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts vested in me, I give you my ten favorite movies of 2009!

This is for you, Movies!

10) The Messenger
– I already covered this movie here, but would like to add an ‘RIP Howard Zinn’ sentiment to the context.

9) Black Dynamite
- I grew up on Blaxploitation flix with an undying love and respect for them that extended into me writing one of my two thesis on black horror films**. Michael Jai White must share the same passion because this film stands one of the best genre-tributes I’ve ever seen. Getting every nuance down to science with enough original energy to save it from being a needless retread makes the slightly overboard conclusion forgivable.

8 ) Tyson
- It should have hit documentarians sooner that the best way to capture the triumph and psychosis of the one-time ‘Baddest Man on the Planet’ would be through his own words. A tragic figure who deflects any sympathy thrown his way, it stands the man’s definitive document. An athlete like Tyson doesn’t come along once in a lifetime, he only comes once.

7) Big Fan
- I waxed poetic on the best film ever made about Staten Island here, but let it be known you can stream this gem right NOW on NetFlix! Excelsior!

6) Inglorious Bastards
- DID YOU KNOW that Director Quentin Tarantino doesn’t care what I or anyone else has to say about his movies because he’s going to keep doing what he wants to do with no regard for anyone else anyway? It’s his greatest strength and his greatest weakness, making this film the best sex-less nudity-less period piece porno film ever made.

Better Movies!

5) Up
- The only person in the whole world who doesn’t like Pixar’s films is Michael Jordan, but I feel that I can mathematically prove that Up is not only one of the year’s best films, but also better than Space Jam. A monumental achievement for both 3D and animated cinema, it’s their first to deal with death and show blood yet develops into one of their most entertaining adventures.

4) Girls on the Wall
- I’ve gone on about it here but the highlight of my CMJ experience this year needs to be reiterated. Director Heather Ross got everything right in an unforgettable documentary about girls in a juvenile detention center putting on a musical that will never leave you.

3) Avatar
-Ohhhh you mad, doggie? If you miss out on this amazing theatrical experience, you are a sucka. Forget Old Dogs, Avatar is the cat’s meow and that ain’t ‘lion!’ Also, quick reminder, it’s not racist.

2) Bad Lieutenant: Port of New Orleans
- Nicolas Cage hasn’t been a “bad actor” all these years, he’s just been acting in the wrong film. Werner Herzog harnessed his Leaving Las Vegas magic and mounted it alongside his Ghost Rider sensibilities to deliver the most abundant parade of ‘What the H*** am I watching” on the big screen in quite some time. To call it a ‘Roller-coaster Ride’ would be misleading as it has enough twists, turns and candy to be designated its own theme-park. The inspired dream casting of Cage, Eva Mendez, Val Kilmer and ‘Mr. X-to-the-Z’ Xzibit makes this one for the record books.

Wesley Willis, (rock) star of "Joyrides."

1) Joyrides
- Yes I’m a huge Wesley Willis fan, but that doesn’t make me bias. Quite the opposite as I care so much about the subject matter, to even slightly malign or exploit it immediately registers it on my federal ‘do-not-call’ list. That being said, Joyrides is a ridiculously thorough obscenely researched feat of documentary film-making. It perfetly captures the late Wesley Willis’ essences, and the harmony joyride it brought out of me as a viewer was second only to meeting the man himself. I love watching a movie and having such a good time that I don’t want it to end. This is one of those movies.

What’s that? Why no, I didn’t see The Hurt Locker. Yes, I plan to, but that movie had its first screenings in 2008. Therefore: DISQUALIFIED! GAME OVER! CHAZ WINS! FATALITY!

Until next time let’s agree to agree!

*The ones I wish I’d taped of the awfully crazy variety.

**AKA ‘Urban Horror Films’ if you’re a jive-turkey milkhead caucazoid.


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